


Finding Solace

by pxnxshxr



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: FTM Reader, M/M, MALE READER INSERT, Reader Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-12 23:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10502088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pxnxshxr/pseuds/pxnxshxr
Summary: What is Gabriel didn't die? What if he was beaten, taken, and tortured while his love believed him dead?





	1. Chapter 1

The sky was beautiful, hues of pinks and oranges splashing between the ever darkening blue. It was amazing, you didn't understand how some could go by without standing in pure awe at the sight. Sunsets were always your favorite, you had so many good memories associated with them. You couldn't always sit and watch them but you always tried to appreciate them when you could. Today had been one of those days where you had some free time. Things were perfect.

You leaned your head on Gabriel's shoulder, shutting your eyes slowly. He always smelled to sweet, it was just one of the many things you adored about him. The two of you had been dating for a few years now and things couldn't be better. With his help you quit being a hunter and decided to live a normal life. Somehow you made it work, you even had a lovely cat together that you named Mellow.

It was Gabriel's idea to sit out and watch the sun set into the horizon, even having a few blankets as it got colder out. You couldn't ask for more. You felt safe and happy in his arms like this.

You hadn't always felt like this, especially not with an angel. There was a time where you were struggling, fighting to survive. Not only that but you had constantly fought with yourself internally, trying to accept yourself as who you were. You were a trans male and you would never deny that, you weren't ashamed of who you were, but some days dysphoria would take over and you wouldn't have anything nice to say about yourself. To put it lightly. Those days weren't over, they never would be, but they were far and scarce. Gabriel had helped you get things you needed at your own pace, never thinking twice about helping you. He always knew when he was needed the most, probably a side effect of y'know being an actual angel.

Over time you had learned to love yourself and in turn learned to love the archangel himself. The two of you had been in some pretty tough spots but you always made it out and got stronger by the end. But you did decide, together, to put the world of the supernatural as far behind you as you could without completely ignoring it. You did it so you could live, you both had deserved that much after everything.

You both ended up laying on the grass, looking up at the many stars. Somewhere in the mix Gabe had decided to nibble your ear, giving you soft butterfly kisses, whispering loving things to you.

"Wake up." What...? You sat up, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What was he talking about, you obviously weren't sleeping.

"Please wake up." You stared at him in shock, not knowing how to respond to that. What was he saying? Why was he telling you to wake up?

You shut your eyes tightly, rubbing your head as a sudden rush of dizziness. You found it difficult to open them again, feeling weak and weary. Finally you managed to pry open your eyes long enough to understand why your whole body was in pain. You were tied upside down, an IV sticking out of your neck.

It all came back, the ache in your heart growing. Gabriel was dead and you were trapped by a Djinn.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding the truth is a difficult path

The light was dim to none, a few light bulbs scattered about for light but it wasn’t much. It took a few moments for you to get enough energy to keep your eyes, your own weight on your shoulders was hardly bearable. Looking around you felt panic rise up in your chest, many other people were strung up like you were. Before doing anything you scan the room, once you agreed with yourself that the Djinn wasn’t in the room you pulled the needle out of your neck. It just added to the list of things that hurt right now. You didn’t have any knives or weapons in any of your pockets and there wasn’t anything around that could really cut the thick ropes and chains that held you up.

The Djinn’s poison still coursed through your veins, infecting almost every part of you. You tried reaching up for your feet thinking that maybe by some stroke of extreme luck that it was a lazy Djinn but you couldn’t even reach the whole way before feeling dizzy and sick. Shit. You were in no shape to get yourself out of the bonds but you were the only one who could right now, no one else was awake or had the training.

Yes, you were still a hunter despite what your poison-induced hallucinations wanted you to believe. You never stopped hunting. You thought about it like every hunter has at one point but you never followed through, you stayed in the world of dark creatures by choice. There was a sense of duty that came with being a hunter and you couldn’t shake it even if you tried.

The hallucinations weren’t “wrong” but they were too good to be true. You couldn’t live a happy life like that, not anymore. You could try but you know what would happen: Your past would catch up, someone who named you an enemy would come back and ruin everything and you wouldn’t be ready for it. Besides, there was a big thing missing from your fever dream. Gabriel was dead, he died years ago while standing up to Lucifer. You two never officially “dated” but you did have nights together. And days. He accepted all of you, embraced you with loving arms. He was everything you lived for. But good things don’t last.

A scuffling sound came from the opposite side of the room, even more distant sounding as your consciousness ebbed. Surely it was the Djinn back to feed again or maybe it knew that you were awake. The sound was frantic though, loud clangs rang in your ears like someone was trying to break open a lock.

The last thing you saw before you finally passed out was two figures rushing to your side. They were saying something in hushed tones but you couldn’t hear.

 

Slowly but surely you came back into consciousness and thankfully this time you were in much less pain than before. In a panic you quickly opened your eyes, sitting up even if your whole body protested. The familiarity of the room set your heart back on track, this was your room. That meant you were back in the bunker somehow. Had the Djinn just been a dream? Damn what kind of inception shit was that? 

The ache in your body told you that it wasn’t a dream, everything had been quite real. The two figures? Had to be Sam and Dean, that would explain how you got back to your own bed. To prove it, mainly to yourself, you managed to wobble out of your bed without knocking anything over. You hobbled out the door, managing to yell out a small “Dean? Sam?”

Said brothers poked their heads out, Sam from the room across the hall and Dean came rushing up the stairs. Sam rushed to your side, putting an arm around your shoulder seeing how your body threatened to topple over.

“You scared us, you know that?” Dean crossed his arms sternly as Sam led you to sit back on the bed.

You wouldn’t say that you could handle it on your own because you probably wouldn’t have been able to get out of it if it wasn’t for the brothers but you wouldn’t admit that to Mister Stubborn.  
“C’mon, I was fine. I’m not dead, am I?” 

“Like hell you were fine, you would’ve been stuck in whatever acid dream you were having if we hadn’t shown up,” He let out a huff, annoyed but obviously just concerned for your safety. Dean was the kind of person to deny that he cared, keep all of that inside to protect himself and others. You had lived with him long enough to know when he was just worried, like now. He disguised it as anger or annoyance but you knew better.

“Dean’s just upset that he didn’t know where you were, ignore him.” Sam always seemed to be more caring, parental even. Definitely showed his emotions more than Dean.

“Is there any pain?” The younger brother examined your bruised body, carefully poking a few areas.

“I don’t think anything’s broken but my head feels like someone took a jackhammer to it.”

“Wait here,” Sam left the room supposedly to get you some painkillers that they always had an excessive supply of which left you alone with Dean.

Dean seemed to look less annoyed now, his arms not crossed so tightly. In fact he even sat on the bed with you.

“How did you know?” He have you a side glance, his voice definitely didn’t sound angry just curious.

“Know what?”  
“That it wasn’t real.”

How did you know? It was Gabriel, he was telling you to wake up. It wasn’t right, it couldn’t have been real and you just somehow managed to wake up because of that. Dean had told you before about when he was poisoned by a Djinn, how he had to kill himself in the non-reality to wake up.

“It wasn’t right. It- I-” You took a deep breath, casting your eyes down. “Gabe was there. Everything was good, I wasn’t even a hunter anymore, but he just kept telling me to wake up. That’s when I realized that it wasn’t real, it didn’t even come to mind that Gabe wasn’t actually-” You didn’t want to finish your thought and the older brother seemed to understand that. He knew that you liked the archangel, it wasn’t a big surprise.

“That’s what they do, throw you in a perfect situation. Make you not want to leave.” He pat you on the back a few times as Sam came in, giving one last comment before leaving. “I wouldn’t think about it too much, trust me.”

Sam handed you the glass of water and painkillers he brought up.

“Thanks.” You downed them quickly, after all that happened you were left emotionally and physically drained. You just wanted to sleep.

“Get some rest, I’ll bring you food later.” You nodded, thinking it was a great idea.

When Sam left the room, closing the door behind him, you stood and changed into something more comfortable for lounging in. Once you did that you just laid back down, eyes drifting shut.

This was real, this was the reality. Gabriel is dead, you’re still a hunter, and you’re tired beyond belief. After that thought, you let sleep take over, you deserved it.


	3. Chapter 3

A familiar grassy hill filled your view, the morning sun now rising. The soft blanket that you were sitting on was slightly wet from the morning dew, it couldn't be avoided. The sky was beautiful, stunning even. Vast. You don't remember how you got here but it honestly didn't matter. This was your favorite spot, you'd spend days and nights here just sitting and observing whenever you could. This was your tiny bit of peace in a hectic life and you were sure this would be your heaven if you were ever lucky enough.

A figure came up behind you, making themselves known by taking the free space that was next to you. It wasn't really surprising when you saw who it was, they often visited you in times like this. You'd come to expect it and even look forward to it.

"Good morning, Gabriel."

"Morning."

"Something wrong?" He didn't seem to be in his usual happy attitude, solemn even. Something had to be off.

"You know what's wrong." It was sitting in the back of your mind like leftovers in a fridge from a dinner that no one liked, something you didn't want to think about if you could help it. You give out a small sigh, closing your eyes for just a moment. The smile disappeared from your face as you waited for him to continue.

"This is a dream." And there it was. The bad news you didn't want to admit.

"You're not actually here then." Your lips pursed, looking back out towards the forest down below the hill. It had only been explored to some degree, much of it you hadn't even seen- You haven't had the time.

"Depends how you define 'actually' and 'here'." You knew that really meant no. It was understandable, there was no way it could really be him, but you had still hoped that maybe something would be different.

"Are you here for a reason? To tell me some part of my conscious that I don't want to accept?" This wasn't the first time he had visited your dreams but this wasn't the same. In past visits he was actually there thanks to having angel powers, you two could do anything and everything you wanted, but in this case it was just your mind playing tricks on you.

"Nothing like that, sweetheart. Just needed to see you, know that you're safe." That's funny. This wasn't Gabriel. This was Dream Gabriel, a fake version of Gabe that your mind had created to comfort you. Still, it was unsettling due to all the times when it wasn't fake. It was real at one point but you were smarter. Lucifer himself had-... Yeah.

"Well I am. For right now at least." Your life wasn't the safest, everyone who knew what a hunter was understood that. You put yourself at risk every time you go out, sometimes before than too if you've been doing it for long enough.

You couldn't help it. You knew this wasn't real but you still needed him. Your head rested on his shoulder hesitantly, he even wrapped his arm around you. It was comforting, warm.

"You know I'm sorry, right? I wish I could be there with you."

"I wish you could be here too. I don't even know how many times I've needed you." On hunts that seemed impossible, on nights where the loneliness was a crushing weight that only you could bear.

"Are those two mutton-heads treating you okay?" A smirk found its way to his face, resting his head on yours.

"They're trying their best, they always- usually always do."

"I'll take that as a yes." The brothers tried, especially after Gabe, but they couldn't always help. They didn't always know how to show they cared which made things difficult.

"Yeah." The morning changed swiftly into the night, stars splashed across the darkness. This really was a dream.

"I can't stay for much longer, you're going to wake up soon." That was the sad reality. No matter how much you wanted to stay in this world with the one thing you actually loved, you couldn't.

"I know. Just let me enjoy it while it lasts. Please." This was all you had.

A few minutes passed, just sitting there. Content with how things are. The silence was eventually broken by Gabriel, using a hushed tone that you could barely make out.

"I'm not gone, remember that. Wait for me." And with that, you woke up.

You just laid there in your bed, staring at the ceiling. The weight of reality clung to your heart.

Half an hour later and you're up. You get changed and head down to the kitchen to get something to eat. You still were tired, you still were hurting, but food called. Dean sat on the counter, nursing a beer and munching on a sandwich. That was pretty much his usual so there wasn't any need to make a comment.

It was just a matter of running through the motions, making something to eat. Eating it. Getting a drink. Putting everything away. Going downstairs to the library. Finding Sam. Exchanging nods. It was just the same old thing.

The words spun in your head, not being able to forget or ignore them;

"Wait for me"


	4. Chapter 4

You didn’t want to admit it, you knew how the Winchesters felt about too much emotion, especially Dean. You would not admit that you felt like you were dying inside, that every day you were forced to try and tackle all of the monsters by yourself. Some would argue that you had the Winchesters but anyone who knew them knew that they weren’t really the best at comforting people. Still..

It didn’t help that it was the worst time of the month for you, the time where your body betrayed you. Cramps were so bad that all you could do was down painkillers, mope around, and hope for them to go away.

Gabe would always bring you candy and tea, he was always so good to you.

Some part of you knew that it was sad, you still clung to the thought of him even if it’s been years now but you loved him with every part of your being. Maybe you were just being delusional, you hadn’t even ever said you were dating, he could have easily been seeing someone on the side. You knew that.

Trying to distract yourself from thoughts of him, you went and found yourself with the youngest Winchester, who was occupying himself with reading some sort of book on lore. There were other books on the table too, some with notes in them some just sitting there on a random page.

“Catching up on reading?” You took the seat across from Sam, carefully picking up one of the books he wasn’t using and flipping it to whatever page would catch your eye.

“Yeah.” He did that thing with his eyebrows, the thing you always noticed- A small sigh and raising his eyebrows, breathy voice. You were never sure why he did it but he did just like he always said ‘so get this’ which was just funny how much he said it. “You?”

“Stretching my legs mainly. Wounds are healing up nicely though, I’m good to go for the next hunt.”

“Good to hear,” and he went back to his reading.

“Hey Sam,” You were hesitant, not sure if it was the right thing to just bring it up.

“Yeah?”

“Has there been anything… odd happening with the angels recently?” Dean would be more suspicious, even if he would probably know more, so you had to ask Sam first. 

“Not that I know of, you’d have better luck asking Cas. Why?” He furrowed his eyebrows slightly, setting his book down on the table instead of holding it in his hands.

“Just have a weird feeling is all, not sure what to make of it.” Standing up, you came up with a plan. His words still wrapped around your head, Gabriel’s, so you had to try and just double check.

“I’ll keep an eye out, let you know if I find anything.” With that he turned and opened up his laptop.

“Thanks Sam, really appreciate it. And keep this between us for now.” Sam just nodded as you left, going downstairs to try and find your shoes. Once you had them on along with your jacket you headed down to the car garage, just hoping Dean wasn’t obsessively washing the Impala again.  
Thankfully he wasn’t and you were able to slip into your own car, not one nearly as nice as the Impala but you didn’t want anyone getting mad at you for leaving.

You knew Dean would be upset if he knew you were digging into this again, he wants you to move on. He’s only doing it to try and help you but you need to know; Is there any chance that he really is alive still? That you just need to wait for him?

Once you were far enough away from the bunker you pulled the car over to the side of the road, taking note of the sun starting to set. Once you were parked and out of the car you leaned on the hood, shutting your eyes. You didn’t have his number so you did the next best thing, you prayed to Castiel.

*’Hey Cas… buddy. If it’s not too much to ask, I kinda have something I need you to look into for me. I’ll be here for the next hour so anytime during that would be great. The sooner the better. Thanks.’* You hadn’t really prayed to him before but you hoped that he would at least hear. You weren’t even that close to him, not as much as the brothers.

Thankfully you had snacks in the backseat of your car, bringing them out and munching on them. Half an hour passed before you heard the flutter of wings, turning to face them and seeing Cas.

“You’re actually here.” You weren’t sure why you were surprised but you still were.

“Of course, what do you need?” Cas was just like he always was, that same look and same face. You were thankful that he kept the same vessel, it made things easier for you all. But anyway, back to the whole reason you asked him to come.

“I’m going to be honest with you, alright? I had a dream with Gabe- Gabriel in it where he told me that he wasn’t really gone, that I had to wait for him. I know this could just be nothing but I need to know. Is there any chance that he’s still alive somehow? I know how things went with Lucifer and everything but- Please.” The only ones who knew about you and Gabriel, who actually knew, were the Winchesters.

“I’m afraid he would have shown himself by now.” Something flashed in the angel’s eyes, something you knew. Nervousness, hesitation even. Castiel knew something he didn’t want to tell you.

“But what if this was him showing himself? What if this was him trying to reach out to me?” You were getting testy, already on edge from everything else.

Cas just narrowed his eyes slightly, trying to piece things together in his own mind.

“Why would he show himself to you and not his siblings?” Cas seemed genuinely confused, poor guy.

“Maybe because his brother was the one who tried to kill him? Or his other siblings were going to rip the world apart? I knew him and I’m sorry to say it but he wouldn’t come to the angels first.” You didn’t dislike Cas, he had definitely helped the brothers a lot in the past and it was clear he cared for them, but you still found him a little… odd. Then again, you thought most angels were assholes so you supposed being odd was better than an ass.

“I see. I could see what I can do but I would have to look at your dream to see.” There was still something there that he wasn’t telling you.

“Oh uh, sure. But don’t be a jerk and look at anything else while you’re in there okay?” Of course you were nervous, it wasn’t every day that someone looked into your thoughts and dreams.

You gave Cas a hesitant nod and he gently placed his hand on your forehead. It was a feeling that was hard to describe, having someone prod around your mind. Thankfully you’ve never been possessed before thanks to your handy anti-posession tattoo the brothers insisted you get before it was too late.

It didn’t take long before Cas removed his hand, the pressure in your head subsiding as he did so. His face was riddled with concern, something else too but you couldn’t quite place it.

“So, Cas, anything?”

“I don’t believe that it was really him, no.” You narrowed your eyes, he hesitated.

“Are you absolutely sure?” Your heart felt heavy again but you wouldn’t take this answer.

“Yes. I would suggest that you stop looking before you get yourself hurt, there are still things that want to hurt anyone close to Gabriel.” He was telling you to stop but how could you?

“Yeah, fine. Thanks Cas. Keep this between us, okay?” Before you could even get back into the car he was gone, that was it.

The engine purred to life. Everything in your mind pointed towards there being more to the story, more than what you were told. If nothing else, you owed it to the archangel to discover the truth the only way you knew how: Doing it yourself.

You started to drive down the road, glancing up at the darkened sky. Tears threatened to spill from your eyes but you ignored them, taking deep breaths as you drove a little faster back towards the bunker.

The last thing you saw were two bright lights speeding towards you from the side before your head hit the window with a sickening crash, a golden light filling your vision before you lost consciousness.


	5. Chapter 5

Nothing could be seen around you, struggling to get to your feet. The floor was cold and unnerving, you didn’t want to touch it. Everything around you was pitch black, possibly endless. You reached out but could not feel any walls or structures, nothing. With no other choice you stumbled forward, hands stretched ahead of you, reaching in the darkness and hoping to find something.

It was quiet and quite distant from where you stood but the noise still reached your ears. It could barely be heard over your own pounding heart. Deep, labored breaths. You kept going in the direction you hoped was towards the sound, your footfalls echoing in whatever kind of room you were in.

Soon enough a dim light could be seen in the distance, concentrated in one area. You walked faster, almost running just to get to the source. You could start to make out what the light was focusing on- A figure, kneeling with their arms outstretched to the both sides. You picked up speed, running as fast as you could towards the silhouette. Slowly, you were able to make out details in the distance. Pale and sickly looking skin, blood in various aged states, dark blond hair that almost looks brown, golden wings spread out and pinned to something that’s most likely a wall- Wait. No. NO.

Your mouth hung open, trying to scream as your whole body shook. You kept trying and trying but no sound came out, nothing. Tears didn’t even fall, they couldn’t. Everything was betraying you but you kept pushing and pushing. You needed to get to the light, to _him_.

Champagne colored eyes slowly opened, looking right at you sadly.

_beep...  
beep...  
beep..._

The soft yet steady noise woke you from your slumber, groaning uncomfortably as you rolled to your side. The bed didn’t feel like yours but the stiffness brought up memories of past events, you knew where you were now. The scratchy sheet and hard bed could only mean one thing: You were in a hospital. You didn’t push yourself to sit up right away, going slowly to not injure yourself further. Already you could tell that you had at least one broken rib. Great. That meant roughly six weeks without hunting, you can’t do that. Not now.

The clean smell of the room oddly made your stomach twist, it seemed too fake to you. Scanning the area you saw no one else in the room but the door clicking told you that it wouldn’t stay that way for long.

In came the Winchester brothers followed by someone who was probably a doctor given their current garb.

“Good morning Miss-,” The doctor was glared at by both of the brothers until she cleared her throat and started again. “Excuse me. I’m doctor Dhawan.” She glanced at her chart before taking a step towards you, “ _Mister_ Hetfield, how are you feeling today?”

You glanced at the three, a small smirk crossing your face. It was nice that the brothers stick up for you like that, you didn’t really want to deal with being misgendered on top of everything else.  
“Surprisingly not that bad.”  
“That’s probably because you’re on strong medication for the pain. Two broken ribs, minor concussion, some pretty deep cuts that needed stitches, various bumps and bruises. All in all you’re pretty lucky to make it out without worse. Someone must be looking out for you.” The doctor gave a small laugh, taking some notes. She had suspicion in her eyes, she didn’t believe you for some reason but didn’t mention it. She just went around to the machines you were hooked up to, checking your status for changes.

Hetfield obviously wasn’t your real name, it was just an alias Dean came up with for situations like this. No surprise he used the Metallica one. If you used your real name every time you went to a hospital you’d probably get someone on your ass that you really don’t want there considering how many times you check in and check other people in.

Actually you had adopted the Singer name sometime back, back when you lived with Bobby. You were left there at such a young age that you weren’t sure who your parents were but it didn’t really matter. You grew up with Bobby and things just happened, you were a Singer and that’s what mattered. When Sam and Dean popped up you went with them; You needed hunting as your constant. Somewhere in the mix you started staying with them full time and when Bobby died you just never had a reason to leave. The brothers considered you one of their own, family.

Your eyes followed the doctor as she left, turning to the boys once the door fully shut. You were going to explain the situation but you were beaten to the chase by Sam.

“You sure you’re not in pain you’re uh- crying.” Quickly, you reached up and felt your cheeks. Sure enough they were wet from tears. You used your sleeve to wipe your face, noticing something else about your situation.

You didn’t have your chest binder on which meant they most likely had to cut it off. Panic rose up inside of you, filling your head as you tried to calm it. The heart monitor sped up slightly but to avoid calling in a nurse unintentionally you forced yourself to take deep breaths to calm it down. It sorta worked, no nurses or doctors came in.

“How soon can I get out of here?” You looked at Dean, knowing he could get you out ASAP. He replied with a nod, leaving the room.

“You good?” Sam was concerned, you saw it in his big dopey eyes.  
“Yeah, don’t worry.” You mumbled your words, turning the machines off and pulling your IV out. It probably wasn’t the most reassuring but it’s all you could manage right now.  
Dean came back just in time, tossing you your clothes and heading out with Sam following. You didn’t hesitate to change clothes hastily, feeling uncomfortable. Hospitals never were your thing.

Once you had your shoes on and tied you headed out, seeing the two brothers waiting right outside. Your arms were crossed, obviously uncomfortable without your binder on. Noticing just that, Dean took off his jacket and handed it to you to put on. Accepting with a nod you did just that, slipped it on your slightly smaller frame and zipping it up almost the entire way.

The three of you wordlessly made your way out of the hospital and towards the black Impala waiting in the parking lot. Sam held the door and helped you into the back seat while Dean got in the driver's seat. Once everyone was settled you headed out and back towards the bunker.

It was quiet between you all, maybe even a little uncomfortable. They didn’t know that you had left so they’d probably make you tell them eventually. Maybe you could just tell them about how you started seeing Gabriel again, or visions of him. They could help you look for clues, help you figure out of any of it is real.

Finally you got back to the bunker, pulled into the garage and got out.

“I can come with you guys to pick up my car, I can work on fixing the repairs once it’s back.” Dean looked back at you, giving an odd expression.

“There’s hardly any car left to pick up, it was almost completely destroyed. It’s a goddamn miracle you’re even alive.”   
“Oh.” Your face fell, just following them back inside. You hadn’t realized that it was really that bad. How did you even make it out?

You all made it to the living room, stopping the brothers before they could go to their separate rooms.  
“I need to talk to you guys ‘bout something.” They sat down and you explained it. Everything; Your dreams, talking to Cas and how you suspect he wasn’t being completely honest with you, the golden light right before you crashed, even what you saw before waking up in the hospital. They just sat there, taking it all in.

When you were done you sat down across from them, stopping the pacing you had been previously doing. A few moments of silence passed before the eldest Winchester leaned back, running a hand over his face.  
“And you want us to help you look into it, right?”  
“Right.” You knew they would. Maybe with protest but they knew this was important to you.

“Alright. Where do we start?”


	6. Chapter 6

The morning light shone through the dust-free windows of the impala, baby as Dean liked to call her. The brothers, both of them, were passed out in the back seat. Sam’s head was resting on the window while Dean’s was comfortably on Sam’s side, he had spread out a little bit and happened to overlap with Sam. It was kind of funny how childish they looked right now, they were pretty much drooling in their sleep too. It reminded you of the good ol' times when you would all pile into the back of the car with John driving in the front seat. The three of you would goof off, telling quiet jokes only to laugh loudly in return. John sometimes would ask us "what the hell is so funny, you three?" in this gruff voice. It would only make us laugh harder.

There was a fallout when Sam left for college. Dean became more distant and John? John just became more careless. They both were hurting and handled it in different ways, neither of which ended up being good for them. You stopped hunting with them during that time, went out on your own with the help of Bobby. Thankfully they came back shortly after John went missing all those years ago. Sam and Dean were back hunting together, your family seemed to have gotten back together even if it was under the circumstances of their father being missing.

You never really liked John. As a kid you just thought he was like any other dad, you didn't know any better. But now you do. At one point he had been a good man, you were sure of it, but somewhere down the road he had become obsessive and neglectful. There was no forgiving the things he did to his own kids, what he put them through. It wasn't right and you saw that.

You all had agreed to leave first thing in the morning, you somehow convinced them to leave before there was any light in the sky. You all got into the car and left. It was only fair that you took first driving shift, the boys were still extremely exhausted from their last hunt and you did practically beg them for this. You were just lucky that Dean let you drive Baby, that didn’t happen often.

You had bags packed in the back, filled with everything you could need including extra changes of clothes. You guys rarely knew how long you’d be spending away from the bunker so a permanent change of clothes always lived in the car.

The first lead was from a newspaper that had reported some strange happenings that could possibly be angelic; keyword being 'possibly'. Cas wasn’t being very helpful but somehow agreed to meet them there and help point out if there is an angel there. It wasn’t much but it was a starting point. If you were going to find Gabriel, find the truth, the best place to start is with other angels.

A few more hours passed, Dean’s music blending into the sound of the car's engine. Eventually the brothers woke up and settled for making small talk. Dean took over driving at that point but you didn’t mind, you just stared out the window for the majority of the trip. The drive from Lebanon, Kansas to Denver, Colorado only took five hours so you got there right before lunch. The hotel you checked into was just like the others, cheap and kinda sleazy but worked.

Castiel showed up after everyone ate, part of you expected him not to appear at all after your last meeting. You couldn't imagine you would be on the best of terms right now.

“Alright, Cas. Getting any Angel alerts or signals or whatever it is that you get?” Dean scanned the street but wasn’t seeing anything unusual.

“There is an angelic aura of some kind but it might take time to pinpoint the exact location.” You didn’t want to rush Cas on this, you wanted him to be positive, but you’d rather not have to wait.

“Yeah, of course.” Sam pulled you down the street a little bit while the angel and the eldest Winchester spoke.

“What are you going to do once we find another angel?” Oh. Right.  
“We try and talk to them, ask them if they know anything.”  
“And if they don’t?” If they don’t know anything? They’re lying. They have to know.  
“We try again with someone else.”

The group came back together as Dean strode over, Cas not gone from sight yet.  
“Cas is going to scan the area, do his thing, and we just need to sit tight until then. Think you can do that?” On the question he looked over at you to which you responded with a nod and a small “yup.” You didn’t like waiting but you didn't have much of a choice.

The rest of the day passed with little interruption, not until you were all ready to call it a night. The sound of fluttering wings alerted you to Cas appearing in the motel room the three of you decided to share. All heads turned to the angel with looks of questioning.

“I found one.” The brothers could almost see the weight being lifted from your shoulders, relief washing over your face. It wasn’t a dead end after all.

“And?” You took a step towards the angel, there always was something else to it, your eyes searching for answers.

“And, well, he might be a bit difficult to talk to.”

“Why?” Sam spoke next.

You prepared yourself for his next words.

"He isn't particularly fond of Gabriel."

"I can deal with that." You were already grabbing your coat and bag off the bed, looking expectantly at the angel.

"Cas, take me to him. Please." The Winchesters also stood to get their things but you held your hand out to stop them, "No. I can do this part myself."

The brothers looked at each other with a worried expression, not sure if they should let you go or not. To reassure them you spoke again but this time with a small, calm smile. "I got this, guys. It's just getting information, remember?" It didn't seem to give them any comfort but they nodded anyway, sitting back down.

Turning your attention back to Castiel, your smile now being replaced by determination. "C'mon, Cassy, we have an angel to talk to."

 

The next hour or so was spent putting various wards and charms on the building where you planned on meeting the angel. You had backup plan after backup plan, ready for anything that might or might not happen. Soon enough and you were left alone in the desolate warehouse as Cas had gone to get the angel. Sure, this might seem a little like a trap but you hoped that Cas could explain that it was just safety for both of them.

Half an hour passed before Cas appeared back in the warehouse now with a grumpy looking guest. You gave a small nod to both of them, taking a seat at the table you had set up previously.

"Castiel, can you please introduce me?" Said angel casts a side glance towards you, already noticing that you are acting just a little too calm and collected for this situation.

After a moment of silence the other angel spoke up, "I am Asariel, keeper of the portal to Heaven."

I opened my mouth to introduce myself, seeing Cas quickly exiting the building, but was stopped before I could.

"I know who you are." The angel's golden hair curled around his face, giving him the divine glow one would expect from an angel of the lord. You shut your mouth slowly, watching them as they sat in the chair across from you. "So, tell me, why did you want to speak?"

Did Castiel not say? That would make things slightly more difficult. "I need information on an angel."

"Is that so?" he raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow at the statement, "What angel do you need to know of?"

"Gabriel, the archangel." You could practically see how annoyed they were and just by his name.

"If this is for him, I am not helping." They words came through grinding teeth, practically seething.

"Why not?" Your backup plans started flashing in your mind, your right hand slowly resting on the object that had previously been in your pocket.

"His very name makes me sick- Have you seen what he has done?! His very disappearance when Heaven was at war caused many more lives to be lost then necessary. He knew exactly what he was sentencing us all to when he left, he could have ended it but he chose to run away like a coward! I'm never forgiving him for that." His words bounced around the room, ringing with an anger only an angelic being could have.

"Do you know where he is?" You kept your cool, taking in a deep breath.

"Why do you care? What wrong has he done to you?" Asariel's voice was still laced with anger but it was no longer booming as it had been. A short silence passed between the both of you before it clicked in the angel's mind.

"No. It's not what he has done wrong to you- It's you, isn't it?" The calm in their voice was more terrifying than when they were yelling, you were frozen in place as you tried to come up with something to say in return.

"There have been rumors for a very long time that Gabriel had fallen for a human," tilting their head out of curiosity they continued, "Could it be you that he fell for? I don't see why."

Now it was your turn to be angry. "Will you tell me where he is or not?" Your words were quiet but threatening, fingers twitching momentarily.

"Why would I tell anything to an infidel like you?"

You shot out of your seat without a moment's hesitation, throwing the now lit match at the angel's feet. An eruption of fire appeared, forming a circle around the now trapped Asariel.

"Oh don't worry, I'll give you plenty of reason." Your eyes glazed over with nothing but determination and anger, a sort of calm washing over you as you continued. You had planned on being civil so long as the other was but that was no longer the plan. Now you were going to get the information by whatever means necessary.


	7. Chapter 7

"Holy oil? Really?" Asariel rolled his eyes, crossing his arms tightly out of annoyance.

"Yes really. Now listen to me you little-" Calm down. "Gabriel did what he believed was right. He didn't want to be part of the fighting, he couldn't stand to see his family being torn apart- Do you understand that?"

"He. Ran. Away. It was his fight too and he left us."

"Maybe he did but he had every right to. And didn't he try? Look where that got him, Lucifer tried to kill him! His own brother!"

"You say 'tried' as if he did not succeed in killing him."  
"I know he's alive. I know so there's no use in pretending."  
"And what would you like me to say? That he ran off with some _other_ human? That he is living on some remote planet? That he is fine and dandy? That is not the reality of the situation."  
"So you know where he is?"

Asariel let out a small sigh, closing his eyes for a moment. Was he giving up?  
"You trap me, surrounded by holy oil, and expect me to tell you what I know?"  
"What else could I do? You obviously weren't going to tell me anything unless you knew I was serious about this."  
"That much is true. I am only going to tell you what I know because I also know that you will not succeed. This will most likely end up with both of you being killed and I am looking forward to the show."  
"Alright, I get it."

Another moment passed. "There have been whispers." All the anger the both of you held had dissipated. "Hushed voices saying something about him still being alive. If that is true, and no one has proved it to be so, I might know where they would have him. The rumors say this: Gabriel did stand up to Lucifer like you said before but he did not die. Lucifer took pity on his brother at the last moment and instead of delivering the final blow he left him to die from his wounds."  
"Doesn't sound like pity to me."  
"Will you let me finish?”  
"Go on."  
"They say that they took him to Hell with them, that Lucifer is now keeping him hidden away."  
"Isn't Lucifer in the cage?" Was he ever really there to begin with?  
"I am just telling you what I heard. Now will you let me out?"  
"Yeah yeah, sure." You made your way over to the big exit doors, pausing.

"I thought you said you were letting me out?"  
"I am, just taking some extra precautions." You took your matches out and lit one, lighting a fuse that was hidden before now. "When this reaches those handy lighter-fluid soaked rags it'll set off the sprinkler directly above. Sprinkler turns on, holy oil-fire gets extinguished and you get wet. So it's a win-win really."

There was nothing more to be said so you left, letting the door shut behind you. The setup was precarious and tedious but it was needed to give you enough time to get away just in case you had angered the angel. Sure, they could find you if they really wanted to but hopefully by that time you would have the brothers by your side and maybe Cas too.

With this new information came a new objective: Get into hell and talk to Lucifer.

You knew that the brothers wouldn’t help you, it was too dangerous, so you had to come up with an excuse, a lie you could tell them. It wasn’t going to be easy but you could probably come up with something usable.

The drive back to the motel was quiet, though you didn’t really expect otherwise. Cas didn’t show up again and you weren’t hit by any trucks so it was pretty uneventful as well. When you finally did get back you found both the brothers sleeping so you just set your bag down on the small table and exited the room. You and Dean had scoped out a bar within walking distance when you first got here so you let your feet take you in that direction, needing a good destressing. You weren’t a huge drinker but you weren’t a stranger either.

The bar itself was pretty noisy but it didn’t seem to be packed, taking your place at the far end of the bar. You ordered yourself a beer and took out your phone, swiping through your contacts as you tried to form a plan.

To talk to Lucifer you’d need to first get into Hell. You’re choices are the following:  
Crowley. He had no reason to help you besides the fact that you are associated with the Winchesters but honestly? He probably would try to kill you unless you had incentive.  
Death. Did that really seem like a smart idea, to be calling up Death to get you in and out of Hell?  
A reaper. This would probably be the most logical choice seeing as some reapers could be pretty chill. Well, as “chill” as a reaper could get without losing their job and status.

Okay so you needed to find a reaper, one who would be willing to help. They probably won’t help without some sort of price- maybe it would be enough to promise your soul? You’ve evaded death on numerous occasions, probably pissed some reapers off enough to _really_ want your soul.

So, if you get the reaper on board, what next? You’d need a way of summoning Lucifer while keeping him in the cage and you safe. The only thing that came to mind that was powerful enough to do such a thing was a witch. On that thought you stopped your swiping, pausing at a certain name.

Being a hunter meant eventually meeting other hunters. Being a hunter also meant meeting some other people that weren’t hunters, like Rowena. Now, Rowena wasn’t someone you’d like to go up to and ask for help but on rare occasions like this you had no other choice. Plus she did, apparently, like you. You didn’t really think it was possible for her to care about anyone but herself but she at least trusted you enough to give you a way of contacting her if you needed it.

Meeting Rowena wasn’t on accident, not really. You’d been taken by demons for interrogation, they wanted information on the Winchesters and they knew you were close. Family even. Eventually Crowley came in and upped the torture seeing as you wouldn’t tell them anything they wanted. They began to humiliate you. You thought they would be at least decent enough to not be transphobic shits but you were obviously wrong. Guess even demons didn’t have standards.

Blood trickled down from various body parts; Cuts, bruises, lacerations, and burns littered your paling skin. You don’t remember when but they had thrown you into a cell, chained up on the wall right alongside a redhead. Your throat stung beyond belief from screaming and the last thing you wanted to do was speak but eventually, as a day passed, you started talking. She seemed to be kind enough, understanding, it had crossed your mind that she might have just been a trick to get you to talk but she never asked about the Winchesters and given her own battered appearance you quickly shoved the thought aside. Rowena told you that she was a witch, a powerful one.  
The two of you made it out in different ways and you learned more. You learned that Rowena was Crowley's mother, you learned that Sam and Dean weren’t really fond of her, and you learned that she would do anything to get what she wanted.

You met her again on a hunt, she seemed to have found you despite your avoidance. She didn’t have ill intent, she just wanted to talk. She offered you help for your situation, saying that she could find spells to give you whatever you wanted- specifically whatever appearance you wanted. She offered to take you under her wing, to become a witch yourself- she even reassured you that the term was not exclusively feminine. Turning down the offer was tough, you’d thought about it in your younger years, but it had to be done. It was just too dangerous, you couldn’t bring yourself to get involved. Even still, you thanked her. Apparently she wasn’t satisfied with that as she slipped you a number to call _“in case your wee self ever gets caught up in too much trouble”_. There wasn’t ever a need to use it until now, thankfully.

 

With an intake of breath to calm your nerves, you dialed the number and walked outside the bar.

 

“Rowena, I need your help.”


End file.
